Today was a rough, chaotic day for me. I had finally had it at work and broke down momentarily. (By breakdown I am referring to a couple of tears. It could have been worse!) For those of you who follow my blog, I talk about "Anna" a lot. Well, mostly I talk about the abuse I put up with. In the beginning of my job, things were tough. Then, I saw an improvement. Now, I think things are worse than they ever were before. I know she is only four years-old, but I have been physically abused in same way or another for I would guess five days straight. I feel as though I have tried everything with her: bribes, threats, loss of privileges, notes home, talks with her mom... Yet, nothing seems to change. When you ask her to do something, she often responds with a loud "no!" She merely smiles when she gets into trouble or hurts another person; she throws tantrums when she does not get her way, and the littlest remarks can set her off. While my psych background does not enable me to "treat" her, I definitely believe that she has some sort of personality disorder and needs help. I know most personality disorders are not diagnosed until later, but she reminds me of someone with antisocial personality disorder.
I am not entirely sure why today was the breaking point. Am I frustrated because I feel like I have tried everything? Is it because I know there is nothing else I can do for this child: while she makes me so angry, there is something off in her body? Does my heart break because I am seeing, for possibly the first time, how psychological disorders manifest themselves at such a young age?Is it because I know the group dynamics of the class would be far better off without her? When I arrived at the school, and came face-to-face with her and her issues, I wanted to help her. I do not think she can be helped though. I talked to my director before lunch, and "Anna" has been suspended for the next couple of days. Her Mom does not know this yet, but she will also be told that she cannot return after the first of the year.
I have watched this little girl one-on-one before. I have been showered with her hugs, kisses and "I love you!"s. She has drawn me pictures and told me countless stories that make me smile, and I am so worried about her future. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to come to the realization/accept that your child needs psychological help. Yes, her Mom is young, single and busy with work and school, but these factors cannot explain why her daughter behaves this way.
Work has been taking such a tole on me that I was in bed by 9PM last night. I walked into my apartment, sat on the couch with my roommates and only got up so I could pack my lunch for the next day. I did not even eat dinner last night- very out of character! I figured I would wake up early this morning, but I only struggled when my alarm sounded at 6:30AM. I babysat after work tonight, which is where I am now. Luckily, it was an easy night before the little boy went to bed about 30 minutes after I arrived.
From the events that transpired today, I have been thinking a lot about the role of stress in the workforce. Whatever I end up deciding to pursue in my life, I do not want to get to this point where I feel so exhausted (I was supposed to get to dinner with Grace last night but did not have the energy to leave my house.) and end up crying at work. Then I also start to wonder: Is it the transition to the "work world" that makes me feel this way, or is it this job in particular? If anyone has any feedback, I would love to hear it!
1 comment:
The working world truly is a frustrating one to enter. However I do really feel that it is just the barrier that needs to be broken through. It doesnt have the social comforts known in school and we really are expected to deal on our own or get out, to put it bluntly. But think when you talk to your parents or I talk to mine. They still complain about the same things that bothered them years earlier but in a different light. Almost as if the pluses grow and the negatives wane. Its worth sitting down and thinking if you are in the right place and at our ages we certainly have that luxury. You shouldn't be miserable but there will be bumps along the road.
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