I don't even know where to begin trying to explain the experience. We started on Labor Day after I had just gotten back in town: Some mornings the 6:10AM alarm didn't bother me at all. Other days I was so annoyed and just wanted to turn it off and go back to sleep. However, even if I was late, my goal was to complete the 21 days. My teacher, Master Joyce, says your brain does not remember the small details (ie being late) but rather the accomplishment of the goal. I think that's important for everyone to acknowledge and remember.
Do I feel different now? Yes and no. It has been difficult, and I know it will continue to be difficult, pursuing a scholastic and spiritual path simultaneously. I am definitely excited to not have such a strict wake time for this spiritual path. (The finish line is what got me out of bed the past few day.) I also know that I am going to need to push myself more in that area. In regards to energy, I felt a lot during the training, and I am also feeling more flexible, especially in my hips.
In general, I feel as though I have begun to learn and reflect on myself a lot, which has been both interesting and difficult. I felt a lot of anger, hostility and resentment during the training, which I acknowledged in daily life too. I think most would agree that, generally speaking, those adjectives do not describe my demeanor. So I guess I buried these feelings inside, trying not to express them. For that reason I continue to feel some pain/blockage in my chest.
I felt/received a number of messages throughout the training, but they weren't always consistent: "Be patient." "Be grateful for time." "Don't rush things." "Take action." "Don't put things off." "Be sincere." "Don't wait for others." "Never sell yourself short." "Do things for myself." "Listen." "Be confident." "Share." "Accept." "Having something does not identify you." "Don't compare." "Don't give up." "Let it go." "Release tension." "Dance!"
Recently another one of the Masters told me that I need to be like water for others. "When they need snow, be snow. When they need rain, be rain." I've meditated on this a bit but still don't feel clear on that.
One day I asked myself what I am afraid of. I quite a bit in the 15 mins of bow training that specific day: making mistakes, letting people down, not living up to expectations (of myself and of others), early death, insecurity, not being in control, regret or resentment, making bad impressions, hurting people, not following through.
As you can probably tell, a lot of my fears have to do with others, which probably should not be so important.
What are some things I want to/can change about myself?
I want to eliminate doubt and reduce judgment, break bad habits, reduce the high expectations/standards I place on myself or rather accept that I will not achieve all of them.
What do I want to do?
I want to focus my energy better and stay connected to what is important: health, happiness & peace, helping others, healing, love, forgiveness, do my best, focus!
Life is definitely a journey.
